| Author | Message | ||
| Laurel K Dodge
Advanced Member Username: laurel Post Number: 132 Registered: 07-2003 |
Death was a Little Girl, Spinning, The skirt of her christening dress was a-twirl as she tried to keep up with the ashes game; round and round she went, rapid as the world. She was a-twitter, a blur, flying as fleet and panicked as wren trapped in a house—or a heart locked in a chest; every pane was her enemy and her friend. The sky was attainable if only she was willing to risk her neck and everything else too. Her wrists, were twigs, all give, possessing absolutely no resistance and easily snapped in half when bent across a knee. She tripped on the frayed hem of her skin and went down hard. The grim skull in the sky neither winced at the crack of her breaking nor grinned at the blatant pain of her predicament: She’d gotten what she thought she wanted, finally. Death was a dull- winged angel come to collect her, tapping its beak, scratching its claws at her window. And so, after the briefest hesitation, she went. | ||
| native dancer
Advanced Member Username: nativedancer Post Number: 260 Registered: 12-2004 |
laurel, this is great right up to the ending, where it pulls a switch on us, i think and heads off into the caves of confusion. i mean, if death is the little girl -- an image i'm very taken with -- who is this angel that steps in at the last moment and carries her away? i think you would do better to stay with the girl as death and let her at the end take the hand of whomever she's come to make friends with. j | ||
| Laurel K Dodge
Advanced Member Username: laurel Post Number: 135 Registered: 07-2003 |
Thanks ever so much for taking the time to comment, Native. lk | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 319 Registered: 01-2005 |
Laurel, I'm a big fan of your work and really enjoyed this poem. The "twist" at the end works for me. Really like the matter-of-fact close: "And so, after the briefest hesitation, she went." Powerful writing! Teresa | ||
| Laurel K Dodge
Advanced Member Username: laurel Post Number: 136 Registered: 07-2003 |
Teresa! When'd you start hanging out 'round here? Nice neighborhood, don't you think? I'm not a regular here, but I do stop in from time to time, mostly for the excellent challenges and writing exercises. Thanks so much for commenting on my poem. lk | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2740 Registered: 12-2003 |
Laurel, intense , the whole piece well-done. A stand out line for me, in the best way, "she tripped on the frayed hem/of her skin": great line break, and I wasn't expecting the skin.  K |
